Collaborative divorce helps ease the split

UNION-TRIBUNE

May 8, 2005

Today my kids will be creating a huge mess in the kitchen to make me breakfast. I'm guessing cinnamon French toast and fresh-squeezed orange juice. What's less clear is how long my son and daughter will honor the one real request that I and millions of other moms make every Mother's Day: "The only gift I want is for you to be good."

Not all mothers, however, will experience anything approaching the sort of warm feelings that Hallmark tries to capture. For moms who have undergone a tortuous divorce or are now involved in the expensive task of dismantling a marriage, a warm hug and homemade gift brightened with crayon-smudged flowers and pink hearts might not be enough to cheer them up. And it's no wonder.

Divorce can do much more than officially shred a marriage certificate. The dissolution can create emotional bleeding that may never heal among the parents and the children, who must somehow move on with their altered lives. And the financial impact can leave behind as much destruction as a mushroom cloud.

Which is why any mother, father or even childless couple contemplating divorce may want to consider a more innovative approach to dissolving a marriage.

The path less traveled is called the collaborative divorce process, which is growing in popularity across the country.

At first glance, the rules for this collaborative process may sound laughable for two people who long ago stopped sharing confidences, much less bathrooms.

If you sign on, you pledge not to go to court even if things don't appear to be going your way. You can't even stand up in the room with your spouse, pound on the conference table being shared by the lawyers and even threaten to do so. If you break your promise, you'll find yourself all alone. The professionals, who had been guiding you through each step in the divorce, will disappear as quickly as the candy inside a broken piñata.

You see, the key word in this approach is collaboration, which means you've got to check your howitzers at the door. The aim is to break up in a way that strives to take into account the highest priorities of each spouse and their children.

Mutual respect is crucial, and husband and wife are expected to be honest with each other. That means, for instance, that if one of them was having an affair, which led to the divorce, that needs to be revealed. And obviously, hiding assets or being less than candid when talks turn to money is a no-no.

At this point, you might be thinking, "Lady, this is a divorce, not some Zen exercise." Yes, it's true that some divorces would never have happened if couples had treated each other with respect and honesty throughout the marriage.

And, obviously, an embittered wife, who discovered her husband's infidelity, isn't going to be preoccupied with getting the cheater's emotional and financial needs met. Which is why the collaborative process relies heavily on a team of professionals who can keep the couple walking down the path to an equitable and emotionally healthy divorce while defusing the anger. If the couple can pull this off, they could increase their chances of not falling into the same trap again.

At first glance, the number of people necessary for this type of breakup might seem to rival Michael Jackson's entourage.

Husband and wife each have an attorney, but the lawyers work together and share all information. In addition, each spouse ideally has a divorce coach, who helps with emotional issues and gets the process moving when there are arguments.

And they share a neutral financial specialist, such as a certified public accountant, certified divorce financial analyst or certified financial planner, who sorts out the money issues. Also in the mix is a child specialist, who provides the kids with a voice during the process.

Having a therapist or psychologist help the kids is important because they can be so traumatized by the breakup and fearful of losing one or both parents' love that they will say whatever they think mom or dad wants to hear.

One of the big perks of going this route is that you and your spouse get to make decisions jointly, on such things as child support, custody and what to do with the house, instead of relinquishing that power to a judge. Another advantage is that it levels the playing field for a spouse who was dominated in the marriage or who knew little about the family's finances.

With so many helpers in this process, you might assume that the cost will be prohibitive. That's not necessarily so. Sure, the price tag will be higher than if you and your soon-to-be ex hashed out the divorce yourself. Doing that, of course, could hurt one of the spouses financially.

What's more, the emotional and professional needs of the husband and wife wouldn't necessarily be explored in a traditional divorce. Working collaboratively can be much cheaper than waging a contested divorce that requires the court's intervention. In contested divorces, court and legal costs can add up quickly. A couple of battling attorneys, for instance, might sit for hours in a courthouse waiting for their case to be called. Guess who pays for all that down time?

Cinda Jones, a certified financial planner at Divorce Financial Solutions in San Diego, says she's seen these collaborative cases cost between $5,000 and $20,000, depending upon their complexity. In comparison, the typical contested divorce costs roughly $20,000 nationwide, but the expenses are much higher in San Diego. "People will say, 'Yikes, that's a big investment,' but it could involve the biggest financial decisions they make in their whole lives," Jones says.

At the start, it's best for couples to contact a mental health professional who specializes in collaborative divorce to see if they would be candidates for the process. If they want to proceed, this initial contact can make recommendations on other team members. An entire team will rarely need to meet together. To cut costs, e-mail is frequently used among the parties to hash over issues.

If you're interested in learning more about collaborative divorce, visit the Web site of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, www.collaborativepractice.com. On the site, you can find a list of professionals across the country. . . .

Lynn O'Shaughnessy is the author of "The Retirement Bible" and "The Investing Bible." She can be reached at LynnOShaughnessy@cox.net.